The Pursuit of KnowlEdge
by WanderingBlackDragon
Summary: Book 0 of The Mis-Edventures. When searching the abandoned house for antiques to sell, The Eds encounter a strange artifact and the works of some of the 20th century's pioneers! But, there's more to those books than the Eds realize, and a mystery unfolds. Rated for Eddy's potty mouth and eventual violence, and sexual & drug references!
1. Prologue

_Foreword:_ _Well, the previous year has been somewhat turbulent. I wrote a fic, barely anyone looked at it, even wanted to look at it, and I ended up at a place where I more or less gave up on this fandom, or even fanfiction as a whole. I won't bore whoever's reading this with the specific details. But, I should explain that I've been a member of this site for well over a decade, even if this account is relatively new._

 _To those who read and enjoyed "The Eds' Fanfiction Auditions" I should note that the story has been discontinued. This is because I wasn't satisfied with what I came up with and what would follow would be the kind of complicated I didn't want to write._

 _So, why am I back here again? Simple, I've a story I want to share with like-minded ficcers, and I'll be damned if I don't get to tell it. It would also be nice to breathe some life back into this fandom... Difficult as_ that's _going to be._

 _What you are looking at is going to be the first of a rather long journey between friends, filled with adventure, comedy, suspense, drama, romance. All of the good stuff._

 _So gather round and behold the Mis-Edventures series!_

 _Finally, as far as content goes: I'll be following the movie ratings system. Characters will get to use swear words. But, heavy stuff like the f-bomb will only be used once  
_

Eddy: A chapter _  
_

 _No. Once_

Eddy: ... In a while!

 _No, once!_

Eddy: In the whole story?! Oh, c'mon! We don't have standards to worry about! Let's have some real fun!

 _Okay. I'll just bump this up rated M and..._

Eddy: Alright, alright! Christ!

 _Diclaimer:_ _I don't own a thing you see in this story!_

* * *

 **Prologue**

"Wait, I know! Let's open an amusement park where people try to shoot at exotic creatures from beyond!"

"We did that already, Ed!"

Edd "Double D" Vincent went back to his work. His diligent penmanship keeping the silence at bay. With that last bit of algebra dealt with, he finally stopped to watch his friends' brainstorming.

"Oh, oh! I know! How about we teach kung-fu lessons!" Ed Hill suggested.

"Ugh, we already did that too!" Eddy McGee rejected. "C'mon, lumpy! We gotta come up with somethin' new! Somethin' fresh! The kids'll never know what hit'em when they see somethin' they never saw before!"

"And to think." Eddward sighed. "If you'd apply that level of effort and enthusiasm to your studies: There's no telling what you'd accomplish."

"Hey!" Eddy shot back. "You gonna help, or just sit there 'n nag, Double D?!

"I _am_ helping!" Edd argued, and his arms swept over the small pillars of text books and notepads covering the Vincents' living room coffee table. "The purpose of inviting you and Ed over was to help you study!"

Eddy rolled his eyes, "Oh, here we go!"

"Eddy! It's already May, which means-"

"SENIOR TRIP!" Ed blared with his usual oblivious smile.

A smile which infected Eddy. "Oh, hell-!"

"Language, Eddy!" Edd scolded

It went unnoticed. "... Yeah! Just think, this month's our senior trip to L.A..."

"That was never decided!" Edd interjected

"...Then once graduation's finished, we'll have a whole summer of scammin' ahead of us!" Eddy rubbed his hands together, already seeing the days of freedom and adventure on the other side of this month.

"Yes, there's much to look forward to, Eddy." Edd agreed. "However, need I remind you that this is also the month of final exams? You and Ed ought to be more concerned with _those_!"

Eddy's eyes rolled the other way as he growled "Why? Those tests're just a big waste of time!"

"Tests bad for Ed!" The big oaf added.

"A waste of time?" Edd challenged. "Considering you and Ed's frankly abysmal academic performance have not only given you _the_ lowest grade point average in the school, but will also disqualify you from your vaunted graduation." Edd paused, seeing his fellow Eds' eyes glaze over. "But, there _is_ hope! If you two pass these impending finals with nothing short of perfect scores: You'll improve your grades _just_ enough to graduate."

Eddy grunted, "Look! The whole thing's a sham, Double D! A big 'ol scare tactic schools come up with to give us one last middle finger before we blow that ol' taco stand!" Eddy managed to beat Edd's interjection. "And after a summer of scammin', we start high school and our first steps to becoming legends! Just like my big bro!"

Edd glanced over at Ed and Eddy's side of the table. Unlike Edd's, it actually looked neat with how the books were yet to be opened. But, for the moment, Eddward's thoughts did drift to Eddy's wayward brother. Has Eddy heard back from him, since that Halloween debacle? Heck, does anyone even know where he is now?

 _A summer of scammin'!_ Ah, there's the rub! Since the last mid-term, a concern had been gnawing at the back of Edd's thoughts. Caged by doubts they would not be respected, and fears of violent retorts. Yet, so much hung in the balance now. This was as good a time as any to finally voice them.

A deep breath for courage.

"Speaking of which ..." Edd trailed off, catching Ed and Eddy's ears. "It's also during this time that we should consider stopping with the scams, and general mischief."

Edd flinched.

Well, it seemed fear was wrong about the violent retort part. Instead, he slowly opened his eyes to Ed and Eddy staring with blank, or narrowing eyes while the grandfather clock counted the awkward seconds.

Tick

Tock

Tick

To-

"HAHAHAHAHA!"

Edd too, stared. On the other end of the table, Eddy rolled unto his back, arms wrapped around his sides to prevent a hernia. Beside him, Ed's slapping of the table made Edd question how the oaf had failed to shatter it.

"You get that, Ed?" Eddy managed. He finally sat up, now straining his voice to imitate Edd's: " _We should consider stopping with the scams..._!" At least Eddy wasn't fixing to shatter _him_.

Laughter notwithstanding, Ed reached over and pat Edd's shouder. "That was funny, Double D!"

"I mean, what are we if we're not scamming?" Eddy snorted.

"Lots of things, Eddy!" Edd insisted. "Citing your excitement about high school, consider this: These are those oh-so-crucial years in which we will discover who we truly are, and shape our future!"

"Oh, I know what's in my future, Double D!" Ed blurted.

"Oh? And what's that, Ed?"

"Yes!" Ed folded arms over his chest, eyes settling into a sagely gaze.

"Yes to what, Ed?" Edd asked.

"Yes is my future! It's what the magic eight ball said!"

"Yeah, cute, lumpy!" Eddy dismissed. "And _my_ future involves becoming a billionaire playboy! With my own jawbreaker factory, exotic pets from all over the world, my own sports franchise, and a yacht the size of a mansion!"

Edd could only shake his head. If only their grade point average was as high as Eddy's ego. "Getting back on track..." Edd paused to make sure Ed and Eddy were listening, "If you two don't shape up, you can kiss your high school ambitions- or any future ambitions, for that matter- goodbye!"

"Ugh! Will ya' stop worryin' about the stupid finals?" Eddy groused. "It's in the bag!"

Edd's eyebrow bent at Eddy. "Oh? And how pray tell, do you and Ed intend to pass your final exams? I don't think relying on luck will-"

"Easy: We'll just copy off you again!"

"Eddy! Cheating is not-" And suddenly it smacked Edd like another failed invention. "What do you mean _again_?!"

"Yeah, that's what we do every year, Double D!" Ed grinned.

"Enough already!" Eddy nearly sent Edd jumping over the sofa, "We're wastin' time, here!"

"Yes!" Edd agreed. "It's quite late this evening and we've yet to even go over your algebra!"

But, Edd's pleads cut only air; Ed and Eddy's attention long returned to flights of fantasy and ill-gotten riches. Without a way to pull them back, Edd's attention wished to retreat back to his studies. But, time would tell; he was the only one who didn't waste the two hours spent on scam brainstorming. In fact, that last algebra question had been conquered for the third time already.

Perhaps it wouldn't hurt to jump a few grades, this time? How about Edd reward himself with a...

 **SNAP!**

Jolting upright, his concentration broken, Edd sat upright to behold Ed pointing a pair of freshly snapped fingers above his head.

"I got it!" He announced, seeming to strain his brain to retain his train of thought. "We will go to Castlevania and slay Dracula, then sell his coffin on Antiques Roadshow!"

Edd watched the interest melt from Eddy's features. But, his thoughts' return to Algebra were short-lived before Eddy's shrill revelation wracked his nerves again.

"Wait, that gives me an idea, Ed! What about that old abandoned house across the street!"

Pencil in hand, Edd regarded Eddy with another cocked eye. The abandoned house had been condemned for as long as anyone had lived on this cul-de-sac. Surely anything of value was long gone by now. Then, Edd's _rapture_ resurfaced in his mind's eye. In the reaches of that house's basement was a library, brimming with books and tomes and volumes and journals.

And hopefully, the answer to Edd's conundrum.

Across from them, Ed's smile faded to a frown, then his eyes gradually inflated as he gasped. "Not there, Eddy! That's where the Kankers took our clothes and made me duty wed and KANKERS BAD FOR-!"

A swat upside Ed's head settled his panic.

"Calm down, lumpy! It's not like the Kankers just hang around there all the time waitin' for us!" Eddy assured.

"Eddy's right, Ed." Edd agreed. "Besides, perhaps there might be some value in visiting that house after all."

For once, Eddy directed a grin at Edd. But, Edd's wrist watch beeped for his attention. "Oh, dear, it's already near curfew!"

"Quitin' time!" Ed cheered, sweeping his untouched books into his jacket pocket.

"Ugh, I hate curfew!" Eddy growled, loading his discarded books into a bookbag. "I mean, it's Friday, for Christ's sake!"

Rising with his fellow Eds, and following them to the door, Edd explained, "Friday is still a school night, Eddy. Besides, best to get home on time, lest you spoil your weekend!"

"Ugh, parents just come up with this sh-"

"Language!"

"... It, just to bug us!" Eddy retorted. "Anyway, we'll meet at that house at nine O'clock sharp!"

"Roger wilco, Eddy!" Ed saluted

Before the two of them could take off, Edd added, "And afterwards, let's brush up on your algebra, gentlemen!"

Wheeling around in a huff, Eddy met Edd's eyes. "And to think!" he sighed, "If you'd apply that level of effort 'n enthusiasm into my scams: There's no telling what you'd accomplish!"

"Good night, fellows..."

"Night Double D!" Ed bid and dashed to his house.

Closing the door, Edd went about restoring order to his living room, his head perpetually shaking.

"Apparently my test answers aren't the only thing he copies."

* * *

 _Author's Notes :_ _Well, that's that. As of writing this prologue, the first chapter is still in the planning stages. I don't have a schedule to work everything out. But, I will see what I can do. Until then, I hope to hear from you soon. Peace!_


	2. 1 Same old new day

_Author's Note: Well, this chapter certainly took much longer than I would have liked. But, this is what happens when you write for a hobby instead of a living. Anyway, a few things I should go over. The prologue is going to have some edits and a minor retcon. I don't know if that retcon is even worth mentioning, but it feels like it plays into a bigger theme than I thought._

 _More importantly, I should've noted that this story is actually meant to be an AU fic, in which the Big Picture Show did not occur. Why? Well, as much as I liked the movie, the Eds' character development felt rushed and underwhelming. Not to mention they could've done more to earn the kids' acceptance. It felt like the Eds' redemption was just handed to them on a silver platter. So, a major purpose behind this fic and those that would follow is seeing the Eds try to earn their redemption properly._

* * *

 **Chapter 1: Same old new day**

Peach Creek.

A town sitting so far north in California, it might as well be in Oregon. A quiet, sleepy slice of the American Dream, where time stood still. Next to this cul-de-sac was the framework for another. The same work-in-progress it been for a decade.

The sun was bright and proud in the skies, with nigh a cloud to spot its endless blue. On this precipice of summer, the kids of Rethink Avenue were out and about: From Sarah Hill and Jimmy Christensen taking their usual tea party out on the Christensens' front lawn, to Rolf Kelamis hard at work milking his heffer in his backyard farm. Across the street, Jonny "Two-by-Four" Grove, recounted an ancedote about tofu to his constant companion, Plank. Nazz Van Bartonschmeer whiled the time away on Kevin Barr's driveway, as the jock polished his trusted bike.

Eddy watched it all from the curb, the abandoned house at his back. Watched how the kids seemed to ignore his presence. Watched it all, stewing in the heat and boredom. There was a time when the elders of this plebeians bowed to his brother and all he stepped upon was hallowed ground. But, that was long ago, and Eddy's brother was gone now. Off taking what was his, and leaving Eddy to fill his shoes.

"Eddy?"

While those shoes had been difficult to fill: marred by setbacks and screw ups,

"Eddy!"

This new scheme would be that lightning strike he needed.

" _Hello_?"

By come evening, Eddy would claim his brother throne. These peasants would finally bow to their king. And all the world will know Eddy McGee!

Now, where the hell were Ed and Double D?

"Earth to Eddy!"

Snapping back to the present, Eddy immediately sprung up to address the new arrivals. "What the hell-"

"Language!"

"-Took ya'?!" Eddy demanded I've been sittin' here for an hour! My legs were about to fall asleep!"

Referencing his watch, Edd answered, "We were scheduled to meet here at nine A.M. Sharp. Ed and I had been been trying to get your attention, as you were spacing out."

"No I wasn't!" Eddy defended. "I was just pyschin' myself out!"

"Oh, just like my mom does when she takes me to violin lessons, Eddy!" Ed reminisced

A frown bent Edd's lips. "I can certainly see why." He muttered.

"Whatever! It's time to raid our gold mi-" Eddy finally noticed something about Edd. "What's this sh-"

"Language!"

"-it yer wearing?"

Taking a step back, Edd spread his arms out, allowing a full view of what looked like some sort of hazmat suit, complete with work gloves & boots that touched his knees, a hardhat with a head-mounted flashlight, a pair of goggles, and a dust mask cupping his chin. "Well, as one could assume, that house has been in disrepair for at least two or more decades. Hence, there's no telling what sort of hazards we might encounter! So, I've taken the liberty of procuring safety equipment for the three of us!"

Taking a neatly folded set from a wagon and passing them to each Ed, Edd continued lecturing. "This protective suit and dust mask will ensure protection from the dust, dirty and other filth that have surely accumulated over the years. While the gloves and boots will provide protection from splinters, broken glass, and loose, rusted nails, which will no doubt cause teta-"

"Double D, we've been in that house before!" Eddy interrupted. "We didn't need any of this crap then, so why go in dressed like a crash test dummy now?!"

"Now, now, Eddy! It's better to be safe than sorry!" Edd lectured. "After all, we weren't given ample time to-"

"Whatever! Let's get this show on the road!" Eddy grumbled.

However, any forward advance halted when Ed reached for the doorknob, and grabbed a bit of nothing. Suddenly, memory slapped Eddy upside the head: It was back when Kevin dared them to go inside for a jawbreaker. After an attempt to fool the kids into believing they were being murdered, Eddy was about to open the door out, only to find a spider crawling on the knob. Flicking it across the room had also knocked the doorknob off and rolling into a crack in the floor.

Now trapped in the house, the Eds' attempts at escape were met with a series of tr-

 _Nope, nope! Old news! Stay in the present, Eddy! Where you're gonna be rich! Rich, damnit!_

"Oh, right." Edd sighed. "It would seem we'll need to find another point of entry."

Eddy rolled his eyes and fished rummaged about his pocket. "Don't worry, I have a key!"

Raising a brow, Edd was about to wonder how on Earth Eddy could have acquired a key. Until Eddy's "key" turned out to be a crowbar, which Eddy used to pry the door open and nearly off its hinges. Twirling it on a finger, Eddy led the other two in.

"Can't you come up with a less destructive means of doing that?" Edd scolded.

"What do I look like? A locksmith?" Eddy shot back.

"Of course not! That would imply you had a proper job, and we wouldn't be in here ransacking an abandoned house for what little valuables it might have left!" Edd entered, ignoring Eddy's glowering to appraise the house proper. The foyer was as the Eds first encountered it: The only illumination streamed from dust-encrusted windows beside the front door. Tarps covered the scarce furniture and a few opened boxes littered the floor.

Noting the dust and cobwebs, Edd shook his head. "Still messy as ever." He sighed.

"Get over it, Mister Clean!" Eddy barked from the curved stairwell. "I'm checkin' out the bedrooms on the top floor! Ed, you handle this floor! Double D, you handle the basement! After we collect all the treasure we can carry, we'll meet back here! Got it?"

"Roger Wilco!" Since entering the house, Ed had donned the hardhat provided by Edd. Backwards. He slapped himself as he saluted, then nearly headbutted the floor, sniffing about.

Edd, having slipped on his dust mask, and flipping on his headlight replied, "Be careful, gentlemen! There's no telling what sort of hazards you'll encounter in here!"

"Ugh! You're worst than my mother!" Eddy growled on his way up the stairs.

Of the equipment Eddy provided, Eddy only saw fit to use the dust mask, if only to keep from breathing in the specs. He already brought a flashlight from home. But when comparing it to the one on the hardhat given to him, the hardhat won out; Eddy would have to carry less in his hands. He tossed the rest of the equipment over his shoulder, where it landed somewhere in the foyer with a **SPLAT**.

Even with the flashlight on, seeing in the hallway provide difficult. The lack of windows would have plunged it in pitch black if not for the headlight. He managed to find the door to one room and was nearly blinded by the sudden burst of light from the window.

"Dam-" Eddy paused, expecting Edd's reprimand... Until realizing he was in the basement, most likely pissing himself, Eddy imagined. He grinned this time as he cursed "Damnit" and his investigation began. The amount of pink almost made his stomach churn. This room once belonged to a little girl, no doubt.

But, as was much of the house, little populated it, save a bed, an armless mannequin, and a vanity mirror near the bedroom window. Atop this vanity, Eddy spied what looked like a jewlery box, and rushed over to pop it open. His masked grin faded when he found a rendition of the Mexican Hat Dance where jewlery should be. Eddy chucked it over his shoulder and the song ended with a **CRUNCH**.

"Let's see..." Eddy began, searching the vanity's drawers. He opened the top one. "Nothin'." He opened the bottom one. "Nothin'." He opened the largest one, containing old vials of lipstick and eyeliner. "Aaand crap! Who'da thunk a girl's room wouldn't have anything worthwhile!"

Eddy returned to the pitched hallway, immediately tripping over another box as he did, and getting his yellow bowler shirt covered with dust. He could almost hear Edd le-

 _SCRITCH SCRITCH SCRITCH_

Not even his eyeballs moved to inspect the place. All breathing paused, Eddy's ears straining for that sound.

Nothing.

Grumbling, Eddy brushed the dust from his shirt and moved for the next room. The darkness continued in this new room, but Eddy quickly spied the sliver of light hiding behind the curtains on the window. He moved to dra- He tripped over another box for a face full of dust and wood.

"God damnit!"

 _SCRITCH SCRITCH_

"The hell is that?" Eddy wondered. Glancing around yielded little results, the headlight revealing on bits of what appeared to be another bedroom. Squinting preemptively, this time, Eddy yanked the curtains open. The pouring sunlight revealed the master bedroom for what it was, returning Eddy's grin back to his lips.

"Now _this_ is more like it!" Obviously, the room of the man and lady of the house would be brimming with valuables: Gold and jewels from the wife's wanton shopping sprees, old suits from yesteryear's fashion trends, and whatever useless baubles and junk collectors pay thousands for, for some weird reason.

Eddy's first target would be the nightstands. Adults _always_ kept valuables in there. Except in this case where yanking the drawers of each nightstand out revealed a whole lot of dust, disappointment, and a spider that met the wraith of Eddy's sneaker.

"Damnit! There's gotta be _somethin'_ in here I can sell!" Eddy grumbled. Across from the bed stood a much bigger vanity mirror. Time had faded the glossy finish from the white paint that shed from the molding wood. Hopping across the bed, Eddy approached the-

 _SCRITCH SCRATCH_

 _HISS! HIIIIISSS!_

Eddy froze. He was sure he wasn't alone.

 _SCRITCH_

Eddy's head whipped left, spying wall.

 _SCRITCH_

Eddy's head whipped right, catching a glimpse of the door way.

" _Not there, Eddy! That's where the Kankers took our clothes and made me duty wed and KANKERS BAD FOR-!"_

Eddy's stomach twisted itself into a knot. What if Ed was right? What if that's the Kanker Sisters again? Perhaps having stalked the Eds again, they overheard their plans and set up a trap for them in advance? Eddy's mind raced back to a year ago. Back to the day a piece of the front door got stuck one his finger Lee Kanker planned to be a makeshift wedding ring.

 _SCRITCH SCRATCH_

In this place, the Kankers somehow corralled the Eds into trash cans, naked and confused as a train ride taunted them with a glimpse of the Kanker's idea of matrimony.

 _SCRATCH SCRITCH_

Eddy's mind clawed its way back to the present. He yanked the dust mask off, lungs sucking in bits of dust as Lee's scuffling in the walls spun him this way and that. Unconsciously, Eddy slipped the crowbar from his pocket, cocking it back as the chill vibrated up his spin and into it.

"I-" Eddy coughed on a drag of dust, "I KNOW YER IN HERE, LEE!" He screamed into the shadows. "SHOW YERSELF!"

 _HISS! HIIIIISSSSSSS!_

Eddy swiveled, swinging at air and meeting face to face with a closet door. It was cracked open. Just enough for Eddy to spy eyes staring back, wide and red. Strange that Lee didn't just burst through the door and pounce on Eddy like she always would. Perhaps the light blinded her? If so, here was his chance.

Eddy often heard it said he shouldn't hit girls. If only the adults who preached this knew about Lee Kanker.

Eddy swung the door open. There were many tiny, beady eyes glaring through high beams of the headlight.

That wasn't Lee Kanker.

It was a family of possums hanging from the hanger of the closet.

The possums hissed.

Eddy Screamed

* * *

"Treasure?" Ed cried into the dusty dining room. "Here, treasure!" He whistled for the hidden riches.

Nothing to be found. All the boxes Ed poked through in the foyer were empty. He thought he saw something in the fireplace, but there was nothing. Not even ash. Ed's search brought him to the kitchen, where a peek into the oven showed a pot roast. That disintegrated when Ed tried to grab it. The fridge yielded nothing at all.

As much as Ed didn't want to think about... Ugh, the dreaded Kanker Sisters, he wondered if they had taken all the treasure when they last came here to trick the Eds into duty wedding them. But, Ed couldn't go back just yet. Eddy would start yelling if he came back empty-handed.

"Oh, I know!" Ed retraced his steps back outside. Usually one would find what they sought underneath something else. That would mean the treasure would be buried under the house. And so, Ed bent down and reached until he got a good grip, then hoisted the house up and over his head.

"AAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGHHHHH!"

 **CRASH**

Looking over his shoulder, Ed saw Eddy crash through the second floor window, and land face first into the overgrown lawn of the house. With a piece of furniture laying in pieces beside him, and some fuzzy white critters scurrying away, Eddy slowly dragged himself to his feet.

"Hi, Eddy! Did'ya find the treasure?" Ed called out to him.

Eddy's head turned with the tension of a rusted wheel, face boiling red and eyes tightening into beady black dots. "ED! WHAT THE HELL ARE YA' DOIN'?!"

"I'm lookin' for the treasure, Eddy! I think it's under the house!"

"PUT IT DOWN YOU DUMB SONAVABITCH!"

"Language, Eddy!" Edd cried from... Somewhere.

"Okay!"

When Ed turned his attention to the house, a flickering grabbed it. He looked up, spying a white glow radiating from a room in the house Ed hoisted. Very carefully, he twisted his grip on the edge of the house, positioning himself underneath his curiosity before finally dropping it back down, shattering the rest of the windows.

It took Ed's eyes a moment to adjust to sudden lack of light. But, the glow from what beckoned him was unmistakable. The room was cramped. On the wall hung a torch, whose fire burned an eldritch white. The dance of the flickering flame held his gaze, beckoning to lump over.

"Oooh, pretty!' He whispered, and reached out into the burning white.

A shock zapped its way up Ed's arm and spread through every inch of him. He recoiled from the flame, his head buzzing, as the white from the flames filled his vision, white noise rang his ears, his nostrils sucked in a long whiff of white smoke and his tongue tasted white ashes.

Then it ended.

Was Ed's brain still warm? Or was he just imagining that? Funny. It then occurred to Ed that he just stuck his hand into fire, yet checking his hand revealed no burn marks. Only the dust and grime from searching the house. In fact, now that he looked at them, Ed's brain seemed to register the near yellow of his skin, the moldy green of his jacket.

That fifties B-movie gray-scale once painting his vision faded into proper color. Ed glanced about this tiny room, as if seeing it for the first time. As turquoise eyes landed on this strange torch, he could mark out the finer details of the handle: Some sort of old pattern that he could not identify.

And under the flame itself, there was a brim of some lustrous metal. Gold? Brass? Whatever it was, this was no ordinary torch. Perhaps this was the treasure they had come to retrieve. Reaching out, Ed hovered his hand over the flame.

There was no heat. Strange. He touched it a second time, and flinched, expecting another shock. Shock? Fire burns, doesn't it? That's why Frankenstein's monster fears it so. This time there was nothing. Well, at least it lights like a flame.

Ed took the torch from the wall, turning towards the rest of the shallow room to find a switch. Pulling it, the wall lifted to reveal the foyer. Ed stepped through, back into the foyer just before the fireplace behind him slid back into place.

"Cool! I found a secret!"

Not a second later did the other two Eds return from where they went. Edd's wagon, even with the tarp, looked full. Though, Edd himself seemed visibly jostled, his gear be damned.

"Ed?" Edd wearily inquired. "Why on earth did you lift the house?"

Whatever Ed's answer was never came out as Eddy stomped his way down the stairs, carrying dust, scuffs, scratches and grinding teeth.

"Argh! All I found was dust 'n overgrown rats!" Eddy glowered. His glare flicked to Ed. "I hope yer lil' stunt found somethin' useful!"

"Yep! I found this secret torch!" Ed held the torch out to the other two, casting a white glow over the shaded foyer. Edd and Eddy stared at it, heads cocking to the side and eyebrows arching upward.

"Why's it glowin' white like that?" Eddy wondered.

Edd drew a step closer, fingers instinctively stroking his masked chin. "Well, any fire is a chemical reaction that burns certain colors based on circumstances, such as the fuel source, or temperature of the flame. The part of a flame closest to the fuel source and/or the ground turns to burn white, as it's the hottest-"

"Well get rid of it, Ed! It's useless!" Eddy commanded.

"But, I like it, Eddy!" Ed whined. "It's pretty!"

"Just be careful with it, Ed! Considering the state of this house, it's practically a giant fire hazard!"

"Ugh, this was a waste of time!" Eddy groaned.

"Oh, I wouldn't say so, Eddy!" Edd assured him. "After all, I've made quite the haul, myself!"

"Really?"

"Why yes!" Edd turned to his cart and yanked the tarp off with a flourish. "I've found a _bounty_ of books! Which will make us _rich_ with kno-" An airborne crowbar bounced off Edd's face and bowled him over with a yelp.

"BOOKS?! WHAT THE HELL ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO WITH **BOOKS**?!"

Dazed, with his dust mask clinging to his chin and his hard hat removed, Edd brought himself to stand on wobbling legs. "Oh, I don't know, Eddy. Perhaps, some reading to warm up before a much needed **study session to prepare for our impending final exams**!"

"Not _this_ again!" Eddy growled, "It's Saturday for Christ's sake! We should be doin' somethin' productive!"

"I agree! Reading is certainly more productive than your typical hair-brained schemes!"

"But, Double D!" Ed whined. "Books hurt my brain!"

"Oh, come now, Ed! A bit of reading isn't going to kill you!" Edd pressed, then muttered, "Besides those comic books aren't doing it any favors!"

"Comic books good for Ed!" Ed insisted.

Edd blanched, wondering if he had spoken too loud at the moment. But, his features scrunched back into a scowl. "Now you two see here! If you don't spend at least one hour of academic enrichment: you certainly won't hear the end of this from me!"

Fists pressed to his hips and his eyes set, Edd held his scowling as Ed and Eddy's gazes bounced from him, to the pile of books sitting on the wagon. Ed bit his lip, while Eddy folded arms over his chest, features mirroring Edd's. Ed stepped back, watching the staring contest until Eddy's scowl melted into a plain frown.

"Fine. We'll read one book!" He conceded. Edd's expression of relief halted as Eddy nearly poked him in the eye. " **BUT!** You have to shut up about the exams for the rest of the weekend." And the frown inverted into a smirk.

Ed's eyes followed Eddy's to Edd whose own returned to the books. When he turned back, he nodded. "Very well." He relented. "But, might I suggest moving to my home? This house isn't exactly what I'd consider an ideal study hall."

* * *

As Eddy went home to shower away the dirt and disappointment of the treasure hunt. Edd took that time to trade his protective gear for his usual casual wear. Next began the arduous task of dusting his "bounty" and setting them on the table in neat stacks. Once Eddy returned, clean and noisy as a whistle, Edd pulled a book from the stack and extended it to Ed.

"Do we have to?" Ed groaned.

"I'm sure you'll enjoy this one!" Edd assured him. "It's Bram Stoker's classic: _Dracula_! I thought it would be a good introduction to the wonderful world of literature! After all, you referenced the character last night."

"Monster book!" Ed cheered and reached for the tomb. Then flinched, already feeling the headache coming on. Ed tried again, his arm slowly inching outward, pushing through instinct to flee.

"Go on, Ed. It's not going to bite!" Edd urged, fixing a grin he was certain looked assuring. To Ed, he might as well have asked the lump to stick his arm in a tank of acid.

"Just take the damn-"

"Language!"

"-Book, lumpy!" Eddy snapped from the couch. When Ed finally did so, Eddy fished through the stacks until something caught his eye. "Hm, looks like an ol' journal!" Eddy surmised. "Hm, says here it was written by... Harry Houdini?"

Edd perked up at this. "See, Eddy? You hold in your hand a piece of history! Perhaps the previous owner of that house was an avid collector!"

Eddy's own interest piqued. Until noticing that time had been quite unkind to the notebook in his hand. When Eddy begrudgingly reclined in back into the sofa, Edd took the liberty of placing a timer on the coffee table. Smiling, he addressed the other two,

"I myself will be browsing this catalog of inventions by the great Nikola Tesla! One of my historical heroes, who've inspired my love of learning and science!"

"Nerd!" Eddy snorted.

Edd chose to let that one slide. "Now that we've chosen our reading material, I shall set the timer for one continuous hour of productive and insig-"

"Let's just get this over with!" Eddy grumbled. "And remember: After this: You shut up about reading, or tests, or anything school-related for the rest of the weekend! Got it, Double D?"

Edd frowned, "Oh, but of course, Eddy!" He set the timer, "And-"

"Double D?"

"Yes, Ed?" Edd sighed.

Flipping the pages, Ed turned his appraising squint from the book to his sock-hatted friend. "There's no pictures in this book! It think it's broken."

Another sigh. "It's a novel, Ed. By relying on descriptive prose and hyperbole; the author stimulates the imagination of the reader, thus painting the picture of its events in their mind's eye!"

"My brain has eyeballs?" Ed gasped.

"ALRIGHT ALREADY!" Eddy erupted. "Let's just do it, Christ!"

Shaking the shock from his limbs, Edd hovered back over the table and started the timer. "And begin!"

Cracking open the tome, Edd began with the foreword. Strange that Mister Tesla would begin with a foreword in his own journal. He had to resist the urge to skip passed this part, being quite familiar of Tesla's life and times. Still, a review do-

"Argh, this it torture!" Eddy cried.

Edd looked at the timer. "Eddy, it hasn't even been a minute."

"Whatcha expect, sockhead?! This book's already givin' me a headache!"

"Probably the most exercise that brain's had." Edd quipped under breath. Then flinched when he felt Ed's eyes on him.

Watching Eddy slap himself with the withered notebook, an idea popped into Ed's brain, making him snap his fingers and disrupt the reading and wretching. "Wait, my brain's working!" He said, and dug into his jacket pocket. He then pulled out the torch, still burning white and held it out to Eddy. "Here, Eddy! This'll make ya' feel better!"

"Ed! Don't tell me you've had that torch in your pocket this whole time?!" Edd gasped. "It should've burned it to ashes!"

"It's magic!" Ed said, then reached for Eddy. "Here, just stick your hand in it and it'll make your he-"

"GET THE HELL-"

"Language!"

"-AWAY FROM ME, ED!" Eddy screamed.

As Ed loomed over, Eddy turned to hop over his chair. However, the arm he used to brace himself turned into an offering to Ed, who-

"ED, NO!" Edd screamed

-inserted Eddy's hand into the flame. Suddenly, Eddy jolted rigid a moment and Ed released him, leaving Eddy to crash back into the chair, slapping palms over his eyes.

"ED! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!"

"MY HEAD!" Eddy wailed. "ED, YOU MADE IT WORSE, YOU ASSHOLE!"

"Head?" Edd parroted. Didn't he mean his _hand_?

Releasing his face, Eddy blinked once, twice then glanced about the room. Blue eyes expanded, then contracted. "Hm."

"Eddy, are you alright?!" Edd's inquiry nearly took all his breath with it.

"Y-Yeah!" Eddy confirmed, then looked at Ed. "You were right, Lumpy! My head feels a lot better!"

"Happy to help!" Ed nodded.

Tesla's catalog forgotten, Edd rushed over to inspect Eddy's hand. Strange, there were no burns. "Eddy, what on earth, happened?!"

Eddy looked at his hand as well. "Hm, kinda like an electric shock. Next thing I knew, everything went white, there was ringin' in my ears, I thought I smelled smoke and tasted dust 'n my head felt kinda hot. Next thing I knew, it went away, like I was just imaginin' it!" He recounted.

"A shock, you say?"

"Yeah, like getting' zapped!"

"That's highly unusual, Eddy!"

"Not, really, Double D!" Ed added. "That's what happened when I touched it!"

"Ed, you _touched_ it too?!" Somewhere in the back of Edd's mind, he believed even _Ed_ would know better.

"Yeah, now my brain works." Ed nodded, then a thought occurred and he snatched Edd's hand as well. "Now, it's your turn to touch the torch!"

In his impotent struggling, Edd cried, "ED! STOP, NO, WAIT!"

But his hand met the flame and a zap raced through his nerves, stole his breath, and buzzed about the synapses of his brain. In an instant, his senses were overtaken by white: filling his vision, ringing his ears, chalking his taste buds, smoking his nose, heat permeated his brain.

And just as instantly, the sensations vanished. Now lingering memories, or perhaps tricks of his mind? Immediately, green eyes found his hand: free of burns, or any signs of damage. It was just as Eddy described. "What on earth? That was most peculiar! If anything, I feel much more clear-headed than before!"

"See? It told you it's magic!" Ed said.

Looking at the torch, Edd could indeed make out what details uncovered by Ed's grasp. Some sort of carved symbols, and under the flame was an illustrious gold. "I ought to run some tests on that torch, later." He noted. "But, for now, shall we resume our reading session?" He urged, resetting the timer.

Eddy sucked his teeth as they retook their perches. Now, let's see, where did Edd leave off? Ah, the foreword, summarizing Tesla's life: From humble beginnings, Nikola Tesla was born in the year 1856, in Smijan, Croatia, during the Austro-Hungarian empire. The son of an Serbian orthodox priest and a farmer. But, at a tender seven years old, the shock of losing his brother to a riding accident, seemed to drive young Tesla to neurosis: He reported having visions.

Visions... Edd remembered that Tesla had battled mental illness since then. But, he remembered said illness was never properly diagnosed. Still, modern psychology could hazard some guesses. The first one being Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. But, was it ever reported what Tesla claimed to see in those visions?

Edd shelved these questions and attached a mental note to go over this with his psychology volumes. Skipping ahead, Edd began studied the a diagram of the first invention: The Winged Scarab. A simple, yet impressive invention, which involved attaching beetles around the rim of a paper disk, which would spin as the beetles took flight.

 _Strange, Tesla created this when he was a child once, but never again. Did he draw this out of nostalgia?_ Reading further, Edd's mind poured over various inventions. He was familiar with the brush-less Alternating Current motor, the first schematics drawn in sand during a walk. There was the Tesla Coil, perhaps his most famous invention.

Edd skipped over the schematics for the Death Ray. Honestly, what possessed him to dream up such a thing? A pop halted any further thought. Looking up, Edd spied his friends closing and setting aside their books.

"Well, that wasn't so bad." Eddy remarked.

"That's some good readin'!" Ed agreed.

A glance at the timer showed it had only been half an hour. "Oh, no you two don't!" He started. "Don't think you can lie your way out of this!"

"Whadaya mean, Double D! We read the book!" Eddy protested.

"Eddy, we're barely half way through! You don't mean to tell me the both of you completed those _entire_ books in less than half and hour?"

"Oh, puh-lease! You're already finished yourself!" Eddy shot back.

Edd frowned. "That's only because I'm quite used to reading, Eddy!" He shook his head. Of course they would pull this. But, they wouldn't escape their academic enrichment so easily! "In that case, care to tell me what you two learned from what you've read?"

"Argh! C'mon, Double D! We read the frigg-"

"Language, Eddy!"

"-in' books! Whadaya want from us?!"

"Oh, pick me! Pick me!" Ed bounced in his seat, waving his hand about.

"Yes, Ed?"

Holding up the book, Ed recited, "I learned a whole bunch'a stuff!"

"Oh, so you actually got through a _whole_ book without pictures, Ed?" Eddy teased.

"Oh, I didn't need'em, Eddy!" Ed dismissed. "Stoker's _really_ good at describing stuff, so it was easy to imagine what was happening! It's like a movie inside my brain!"

"That's what is known as _visualization_ , Ed!" Edd explained.

"Cool, like when I go to my happy place!" Ed realized. "Oh, right, what I learned! I learned about how people get ideas for vampire stories, and how to vanquish them!"

Whatever hope that bloomed in Edd's heart withered somewhat. _This is what I get for expecting miracles._ "Well, what about you, Eddy?"

Eddy crossed his arms in a huff. "I learned about how to pull of magic tricks 'n break outta locks 'n stuff! Eddy glowered.

"Oh, you see, Eddy? You could use that information to study lock-smithing!" Edd suggested. "It could lead to a lucritive and _honest_ career!"

Eddy rolled his eyes. "Yeah, yeah! Anyway, all this magic and escapism stuff's all distraction and misdirection! Trickin' people into believin' in what ain't real." A thought occurred. "Huh... When Houdini puts it like _that_ , he makes it sound. Like... A scam." And then an epiphany ignited and Eddy's features brightened as he held up the book, as if finally seeing the treasure he held.

"I think Eddy's got an idea, Double D!" Ed remarked, smiling.

"That's what I'm afraid of, Ed." Edd remarked, frowning.

"That's it, guys! We'll put on a magic show!" Eddy laughed, holding the book out to the other Eds. "We'll use the tricks in this book! Those pigeons'll never know what hit'em! I knew searching that ol' house was a good idea! HA HA! I'm a friggin'-"

"Language!"

"Genius!"

"Hm, well I suppose a magic show _would_ be a harmless venture." Edd figured. "Perhaps, I can supplement this by taking some inspiration from Tesla to make props and effects?"

"Cool! We can also saw me in half and make an elephant disappear!" Ed threw in.

"Yeah! Now we're cookin' with gas!" Eddy was already on his feet and rushing for his converse high tops. "To the junkyard!"

"Let's not forget our protective wear, this time fellows!" Edd said after him.

"You're kiddin', right?"

* * *

At noon, a sight rolling from behind the Hills' household: Ed dashing across the cul-de-sac, carrying a towering pile of scrap, with Edd and Eddy just a few steps behind.

"Ed, you be careful with those!" Edd cautioned.

"We're gonna be rich!" Eddy practically salavated as he ran. "Rich, I tell ya'!"

Their weekend activities forgotten, the kids fell into a line on the street, watching the Eds disappear behind the Eddy's backyard fence.

"There they go again!" Jonny noted. "Wonder what crazy shenanigans those Eds are up to this time!"

"Yes, 'tis always something with those Ed-boys!" Rolf added. "Do they know no rest?"

"Wonder where they get all that energy from?" Nazz wondered.

Jimmy shuddered, fingers slipping under his giant retainer for his chattering teeth to bite. "It's always _something_ with those brutes! Why can't they just leave us alone? I thought this was a good neighborhood!"

Kevin glanced at his peers, then back at Eddy's fence. He could almost hear the machinations of the Eds' latest trainwreck.. _Not this time, Dorks!_ "Hey, Sarah!"

Ed's little sister looked up from patting Jimmy's back. "Yeah?"

"Come gimme a hand with somethin'!"

The first item on the Eds' To Do List was to convert the swaying tower of scrap and salvage into a full stage for the show. But, once Ed attempt to grab the closest item, his hand was guided away by Edd, who pointed out that piece was keeping the rest of the tower from crashing down on their heads.

This meant Edd had to constantly run to and from his house to repair the elevator show invention the Kankers destroyed, then guide Ed to carefully remove one piece of junk, before descending back to the ground.

"Cool! Just like Jinga!" Ed realized.

"Yes, Ed!" Edd peeped. "Please concentrate, before this tower of refuse comes crumbling on our heads!"

"What's takin' so long?!" Shouted Eddy from the comfort of the bedroom. "You guys get the stage ready yet?"

"Hold on a moment, Ed!" Edd cried as Ed rode the shoes back to the sky, then went to peek through Eddy's bedroom door. "Well, Eddy. Unless you wish for us to be crushed under a town of junkyard scrap: We're going to have to gather the pieces carefully."

Looking up from his seat at his vanity mirror, Eddy sneered at Edd. "Can't you see I'm busy?!" He snapped, then dipped his comb in a jar of pomade for, what Edd estimated to be, the sixtieth time.

Meeting Eddy's sneer at the mirror, Edd frowned. "Eddy, I'm sure you coated those cowlicks with enough product to kill a lab rat. Perhaps you can assist Ed and Eddy in setting up the stage?"

"Hey! I'm the talent, here!" Eddy shot back. "Which means I gotta work on my appearance! Besides, all that technical sh-"

"Language!"

"-it's your bag, remember? Now hurry the hell up! We're burnin' daylight out there! 'N daylight's money!"

Of course this would be about as far as the argument would go. Better to see what could be accomplish, lest more time be wasted. Yet, it didn't stop Edd from quipping, "Just as delusions of grandure are your bag!"

"Whatcha just say?!"

Edd slid the door closed, just as a plastic jar ricochet off and smack Eddy on the other side.

"OW!"

By the time Eddy had in fact emerged from his room-

"Ahem!"

From his _trailer_ , he nearly tripped over a small flight of stairs leading up to a stage, obscured by a green curtain. Clearing it revealed the McGee's backward, which had been turned into a small auditorium of sorts. Discarded chairs and garden furniture had been thoroughly sanitized, repaired, and nearly arranged to face Eddy. When he looked to the gate leading to the cul-de-sac, he found a kitchen counter had been turned into a ticket counter, with an emptied jar requesting a twenty-five cent entrance fee.

Eddy grinned, rubbing his hands together. "I can just see it now!" He boasted, "First this backyard in the middle 'o nowhere, then we'll be selling out in Vegas!"

"As highly improbable as that is, Eddy." Edd countered. "Perhaps we ought to start by rehearsing our performance?"

* * *

 **Another two hours later...**

"And now!" Eddy announced the vacant backyard and produced a saw from behind his back. "I shall saw this lump in _half_!"

"Hi, Mom!" Ed called out to an empty chair.

For this trick, Edd had taken several cabinets, removed the shelves therein, and connected them to form one long box that sat upon a curtained table. When Eddy began the work of "bisecting" Ed, the oaf laid in the box, grinning as obliviously as ever.

"Don't worry, folks!" Ed informed the empty seats. "It's just a trick! See?" When Ed kicked his legs out from the compartment they had been stuffed into, the other set of "legs" jutting out from the end continued to wiggle and flail helplessly.

"Ed!" Eddy barked. "What the hell-"

"Language!" Edd scolded from behind the curtain.

"-Are ya' doin'?!"

"But, Eddy!" Ed defended. "If I don't say anything, everyone will think you're cutting me in half!"

"They're supposed to think I'm cuttin' ya' in half, you stupid as-"

"Language!"

"-shole! That's how the trick works! I "saw" you in half, you scream like a chick from one 'o those stupid monster movies, I spin ya' around 'n "put ya' back together", then Double D has the fake legs go back into the box, and then and ONLY THEN, do ya' jump out 'n say-"

"It was a trick, all along! Got it!"

Eddy decided to smack Ed with the flat of the saw. " **NO YOU STUPID SONAVABI-** "

"Language!"

" **-TCH!** You come out 'n say "See? Good as new!" then we bow 'n sockhead closes the curtains!" Eddy paused, allowing breath to return and the redness to clear from his face. "Ya' get it now?"

Ed rubbed his chin. "So after we bow, _then_ I tell them it was a trick?"

In a flash, Eddy's features turned into a mass of red broken with thick, throbbing lines of blue that threatened to burst. From the curtain, Edd emerged and placed a remote control on the box Ed nearly broke.

"Ed, part of the entertainment of an illusion is to trick the mind into believing something that isn't possible." He supplied. "Subconsciously, the audience will already know it's impossible to bi-"

"Like hell-" Eddy tried to cut in.

"Language, Eddy! And can I please finish?"

"Yeah? You've been cuttin' me off all the time!" Eddy shot back. When Edd prepared a rebuttal, he shouted, "ANYWAY! The audience don't know squat! And if we're gonna make bank off of this, we gotta keep it that way by **NOT TELLIN'EM IT'S A TRICK!** " He screamed with such volume, Edd was forced unto his butt, and Ed bent back until his head smacked the ground, then catapulted forward and headbutted Eddy behind the curtain, taking it down with him.

Dusting him off, Edd watched Eddy struggle under the mass of green enveloping him. The the rest of the stage collapsed to bury him.

"Cool trick, Eddy!" Ed laughed.

"This is going to be a long day." Edd sighed.

* * *

Once Kevin had set everything up, it didn't take long for him to gather his neighbors to the entrance of his garage. Even before he got to speak, Kevin looked passed Jonny's big, bald head, and spied the Eds emerge from Eddy's backyard. Days like this made him wonder why he was stuck living next door to the runt.

Looking at the waiting crowd, he cleared his throat and projected his voice with practiced ease. "Listen up, everybody! School's almost out, and you all know what _that_ means...!" He trailed off.

"Lovely tea parties with Sarah and all of our dollies!" Jimmy answered.

"No."

"Me'n Plank can go claim fishin' in the sewers!" Jonny answered.

"Wha...?! No!"

"The coming of summer means it's time for Rolf to harvest turnips for Nana's stuffed chitlins!" Answered Rolf.

Kevin's stomach twisted into a knot. "No, dude."

"It means we can go hang out by the swimming hole!" Nazz cheered.

Well, that was something to smile about. All thoughts clouded with the image of Nazz's emerging cheerleader body squeezed into her favorite bikini. "Yeah." He sighed dreamily. Then a slap upside the head brought him back to reality. He turned, frowning at Sarah who tapped her foot. His throat needed clearing again. "Anyway, with summer right around the corner, that means those-"

"Hey, what's goin' on?"

The assembled turned their attention behind their shoulders, watching the three Eds skid to a stop. Eddy stepped ahead of them.

"What's all the curtains 'n stuff?" He inquired, pointing the kids back to Kevin's garage. A board had been attached to the door, and beside Kevin was a table. Both were covered in a white curtain.

"Are you having a surprise party?" Ed asked. "Can we come? I love surprises!"

Edd, looked passed the gathered to Kevin, who sneered at them, his foot tappings beating away the silence. Apparently, the sock-hatted one realized they were interrupting something and tapped his fellow Eds' shoulders. "No, Ed. It appears to be a cul-de-sac assembly of sorts." Edd corrected.

"Now, as I was say-"

"Oh, like at school, Double D?" Ed wondered.

"An-y-way!" Kevin snarled, pulling his neighbors' attention back. "Since-"

"Don't remind me of school, Ed!" Eddy grunted. "It's the week-"

"As! I was! Say-in'!" Kevin could barely keep from screaming.

"Ed, Eddy, please!" Edd scolded them. "I believe Kevin was about to give a speech!" He gestured at Kevin. "I do apologize for the interruption. What wer-"

Then Eddy slapped Edd's hand down. "Who the hell-" He stopped to shove a finger into Edd's face. "-And if you even _think_ cuttin' me off- Wants to stand around listenin' to Kevin's boring speech, when you can get a front row seat to the **greatest show on** -"

"WILL YOU DORKS SHUT THE HELL UP?!" Kevin roared over the crowd . He paused, letting his panting drain the red from his face. "See? I can't even get one word out, without these **DORKS** cuttin' me off!"

Once again, the eyes of the cul-de-sac were upon the Eds, sharpened into sneers that challenged another interruption.

"Yeah! Shut the hell up, Eddy!" Sarah spat.

Tamed, the Eds stood in silence.

"School's not even out yet!" Kevin continued. "But, here comes Ed, Edd 'n Eddy! Up to their usual bullshit! Everytime we get together to do anything, they come a runnin' with their stupid lil' money jar to ruin our fun and rip us off with their stupid scams!"

"Stupid?!" Eddy challenged from the back.

" **SHUT UP, EDDY!** " Sarah's screaming blasted the Eds back into silence, and nearly across the street.

"So, this year, I have a plan!" Kevin announced and grasped a string. All eyes followed it to the two curtains on the garage door and table. With a tug, the curtains fell away, revealing a sign on the garage door and a table with picket signs piled upon it.

Ed squinted at the sign on the garage door. "Say. No. To. Dorks." He read.

Nearly taken aback, Eddy gestured at Kevin's display. "What the hell is _this_?"

"I call it the "Say No To Dorks" campaign!" Kevin answered. "See, apparently not inviting you dorks to anything wasn't enough!" Kevin took one of the signs from the table and held it up for all to see. On the cardboard surface, the phrase "Dork-Free Zone" were painted in large yellow print. Below where caricatures of each Ed's headshots: Ed's unibrow now resembled a giant black caterpiller and his face was ridden with boils. The gap in Edd's two front teeth had been widened and his hat replaced by an over-sized sock. Eddy's likeness had been transposed unto the head of a cockroach with an extra antennae.

"Hey, that's us!" Ed giggled.

"WHAT?!" Eddy yelled. "That doesn't even _look_ like me!"

Suddenly, Edd was compelled to cover his mouth. "Yes, surely an exaggeration."

"I even drew them myself!" Sarah gloated, leering at the Eds.

Leering that Kevin joined in.

"Gotta hand it to your lil' sis, mono-dork!" Kevin remarked, with a finger imitating Ed's monobrow. "She really captured your _essence_!" He managed to halt any retort from Eddy with a hand as he went on.

"So, if you're sick of these Jackass rejects dorkin' up your lives, just put'em in front of your house! We're gonna stick'em everywhere: The lane, the creek, the watering hole...!"

"But, that's where everyone hangs out, Kevin!" Ed pointed out.

"That's right! You dorks are gonna be **banned** from the whole cul-de-sac!"

A collective gulp sounded from the Eds.

"Wait, Kevin...!" Edd pleaded. "I do realize you were never quite fond of Ed, Eddy, and I. But, surely you can see an effective _ban_ against is a tad excessive?"

"HA!" Eddy laughed. "Nice try, jock-strap! Like anybody in their right mind's gonna get behind this bullsh- Hey, whadaya doin'?!"

If Eddy had paid attention, he would have seen the kids go to Kevin for a "Dork-Free Zone" sign then fall in beside him.

Eddy's mind scrambled for a plan, managing to string along "Oh, c'mon! Why're you takin' _his_ side for?!"

"Because we're tired of you Ed and your antics!" Nazz spat. "Like when you ruined Halloween by having Ed beat us up and take all of our candy!"

Ed canted his head, his brain searching for the memory. "Huh... That whole night was a total blur, now that I think about it."

"And the time I asked you to help me down from a tree!" Jonny added. "When you went in my house for soap, you ended up turning it into a spa, then flattened it!"

"Well... It was an accident?" Edd offered.

"What about the time you took Mr. Yum-Yum from me and ripped him apart!" Jimmy accused them, his face glimmering with vengeful tears. "How do you even sleep at night?!"

"I was just trying to beckon Evil Tim, Jimmy!" Ed shrugged.

"And let's not forget your continuous mockery of the Urban Rangers!" Rolf shouted in.

Next to him, Kevin couldn't help snickering, until Rolf's elbow jabbed his side. Recovering, Kevin shouted, "It's over, Dork, Dorkk, 'n Dorrky! We're shuttin' you down! Everybody with me: "NO MORE EDS! SAY NO TO DORKS!"

"NO MORE EDS! SAY NOT TO DORKS!" The rest chanted.

"NO MORE EDS!"

"SAY NO TO DORKS!"

The Eds watched the kids fall in behind Kevin, who lead them in a Congo-line of protest, trapping them into a huddled bunch. Their chanting grew louder, until all sound had been drowned from this pocket, louder until the Eds' ears rang with their outrage.

Beside him, Ed's head struggled to follow each kid, his brow twisting into various variations of confused. On the other side, the noise had forced Eddy to submission. His hand clamped against his ears, impotently keeping the noise out.

The omen Edd feared had come to pass. If much earlier than heralded. The noise be scorned, Edd stood and faced the crowd.

"NO MORE EDS!"

He could see it in every passing face. All the wrongs the Eds had committed. Every social gathering destroyed. Every scam that went wrong. Every tactless prank. Every ridiculous scheme of Eddy's. Schemes Edd allowed himself to become party to.

"SAY NO TO DORKS!"

All in the name of jawbreakers. All in the name of grandeur. All in the name of rising from the long shadow of Eddy's prodigal brother. But, Edd's mind was a sharp one. And on it's edge carved a plan.

He needed only a breath of courage.

"PEOPLE PLEASE!"

It all stopped in an instant: the chanting, the marching. Edd stepped out of the ring, taking everyone's attention with him as he addressed the lot. "My neighbors! My -dare I say- friends, please! I realize that you are all upset. And frankly, you have every _right_ to be!"

All the outrage among the kids cooled, confusion mingling between them in hushed murmurs. Suddenly, Edd became _very_ aware of what he was about to gamble. But, there was no going back. The gambit must be played out, or the Eds future among them would die before their middle school years. Oh, speaking of which...

"But, we're fast approaching the twilight of another school term. For some of us, it will be the end of our middle school years -provided we all accomplish what is necessary...!" He directed the last bit at Ed and Eddy, then went back to the protest before they could respond.

"This is a time of change! Of new beginnings! Let us let go of the chains of past mistakes and walk forward into the future, _together_!"

As he caught his breath, Edd watched the kids' arms go limp, their signs crashing to the pavement and their expressions curl to contemplate this. Even Kevin seemed took upon the Eds with new eyes. Apparently, Ed and Eddy noticed, and used this beat of rest to join Edd. With new breath, he continued.

"So, in the spirit of togetherness and change. We, the Eds, humbly say-"

"We forgive you!" Eddy finished.

"Yes, we- Wait, what?"

"That's right!" Eddy remarked, arms folded and chin held high. "In the spirit of forgiveness 'n all that sappy junk! We're lettin' you guys off the hook for this little _temper tantrum_!"

What was Eddy doing? This was supposed to be it: The moment where Edd would bargain for their second chance and perhaps buy some time to clean up his friends' act! "Are you serious, Eddy?!" All his breath left him with those words.

"You're welcome!" Just get a gun and shoot them all in the foot, why don't you?

Looking back at the kids, it was as if they had never dropped their signs. The lot of them howled a collective "BOOOOO!"

"See? The dorks ain't even sorry!" Kevin pointed out.

"You Eds are so full of shit!" Nazz snapped.

Each kid broke off to their respective homes.

"NO MORE EDS!"

Planting a sign on Rolf's house.

"SAY NO TO DORKS!"

And Nazz's

"NO MORE EDS!"

And Jonny's

"SAY NO TO DORKS!"

And Jimmy's

"NO MORE EDS!"

And Ed & Sarah's

"But, I live there, Sarah!" Ed cried.

"SAY NO TO DORKS!

" **SAY NO TO DORKS!** "

The kids regrouped in front of the Eds, pressing the trio into back peddling to avoid them

"Hey, wait!" Eddy pleaded. "What about our magic show?!"

"Magic?!" Rolf gasped, as if the very word were molten lead in his mouth. "The Ed-boys have taken to witchcraft!"

"Witchcraft?" The rest parroted at him.

The kids watched Rolf dig into his trousers and fish out a tub of lard. "Quickly! We must drive the cursed Ed-boys out! Lest the cul-de-sac be cursed with locusts and rains of wax!"

Rolf needn't say another word as the other kids quickly armed themselves. The Eds turned and fled, trying to outrun the barrage of liquid fat. They just barely managed to get into Eddy's room. Not a second sooner did Edd collapse to the floor, writhing in some neurotic agony.

"I was so close! So close! Now I'm covered in saturated fat!" He rambled. "These stains will take weeks to wash out! Oh, I need a shower! I need to be cleansed of this filth!" And dragged himself out of the bedroom proper and into Eddy's walk-in bathroom.

With Edd now useless to him, Eddy looked his door then pressed his back to it. "Ed! Help me barricade the door!" The shrill cry sounded less like a command, and more like begging.

"Already on it, Eddy!" Ed shouted from outside Eddy's room and down the hall. He nearly ripped the door frame asunder, cramming a couch from the McGee's living room inside and dropping it on Eddy. At least it barricaded the door.

While the oaf dashed off to find things to barricade material, and Edd wailing as he scrubbed himself clean in the bathroom, Eddy was left alone for the moment. He managed to claw his way out of the couch. Strange, there was much noise, yet no pounding against his door.

Pinching one of his window blinds open, Eddy watched the reason why: All the noise came from the kids dismantling their set for the magic show.

"A cup for blocking!"

Ed's work was lost on Eddy. Outside, it had only taken the kids a few moments to render the stage back into the piles of scrap the Eds found it as. The time and effort putting all this together, Eddy's hopes for jawbreakers and recognition, his hopes it would be his stepping stone to stardom.

All gone.

"Hey, my sign!" Eddy screamed. Outside, Kevin held the sign that once hung over the stage.

" _The Amazing Eddini_?" Kevin read.

"No, no no!"

"More like "The Lame-ass Dork-ini"!"

Even from inside, Eddy jumped at the **CRUNCH** of plywood snapping over Kevin's knee.

" **NOOOOO**!"

"Eddy, I think the kids are mad at us." Ed figured.

"What was your first clue, Ed?!"

* * *

 _Author's Note:_ _And that's that. Again, sorry for the delay. Hopefully I'll be able to find a comfortable rhythm in posting. Until then, peace!_


End file.
